I'm a barber's son

the music doesn't seem to mean anything anymore. glory days I never had. pipe dreams all.
aaron asked me today if I was over my whole nervous-breakdown-dont-wanna-goto-school-thing. Unfortunately, I think I'm just getting started. I used to say I didn't know what I wanted, now I dont know how to get what I want.

He has shown the strength of his arm,
and has scattered the proud in their conceit.

Ways and Means

"selfish bastards"

I thought to myself.

"a congregation of kids as likely to come here in a drunken stupor,
all lonely and selfi.."

"Have you filled one out?"

"yeah"

I quickly and instinctively lied.

"When"

I was taken aback by this women's forward manner

"um before.."

"cause you know, if you filled one out last year, you'll have to fill it out
again, we threw all the records out."

"oh, okay."

I replied stupidly, wishing I would have said I was just visiting.

Name:
Address:
Home Parish:
Mother:
Father:

I quickly jotted down the information in a fury of disgust and embarrassment. Noting the irony of the situation.

Please circle the activities with which you would like to share your
time and talent:

My eyes quickly glanced over the fifty or so activities. I read them again and again, feigning indecision. I was angry at the statements assumption, the women's persistence, and the irony of the situation. I sighed relief as the Apostle's Creed started, forcing the women to return to her seat. She walked with a teacherly confidence that infuriated me.

Singing can be one of the most moving and meaningful communal activities. It can also be a hallow cry bordering on excruciating self-parody. Mass concluded in the style of the latter.
I stopped singing. The song was carried by few and far between and over the hymn I noticed the emptiness of the room with so many people in it.

The bus stop held for me no relief. The bus wouldn't be coming for another half of an hour. I began to walk at a furious pace. For no good reason, I was angry beyond reckoning. The women and her persistence. The college kids and their stupid sheeplike abandon. Why should you assume I have anything to give, and that I want to give it? Why should you come here and defile this place of worship with your disrespect, your unkempt clothes, your tired jokes. Would mom and dad be disappointed?

I breathed heavily through my nose.

As I passed a row of fraternities on Lincoln Way I mourned my sad existence. Jealous of a fratboys dispositions. Guilt free sex. Beer on tap. Good grades. An absent God.

Pure jealousy is a hatred of the person who has what you want, when at the same time, you know you don't want what the have. No logic, just hate, greed, and misguided regret.

My pace quickened.

Boulevards and shopping centres. Negotiating traffic through parking lots. As twilight fell I walked out of the streetlamp light of the parking lot into a field bordered by streets and traintracks. My own secret garden in the middle of a maddening city. Suddenly, Im twelve years old, back in Gretna. The vacant lot I pass through is the lot beyond my childhood backyard and I am walking home. I will be glad to see my family.

A trains signal brings me back to the future and I realize the irony of the fact that my childhood home is now a parking lot bordering a field. For a moment I consider waiting for the train to pass. For some reason, I've always found the idea of giant mechanical worms criss crossing the country delivering coal and cars fascinating and romantic, but my mood scorned the idea and I briskly crossed the tracks, even though the train was slow and still far off. Being torn from the childhood memory by the train and my mood, I didn't want to have anything to do with such childish enjoyment of the passing train. The engine signaled, I didn't turn around. The cars and their clickity clack gate, I didn't turn around. My heart felt like it might burst. I walked all the faster.

Passing all the shops on old Main St. I imagined each owner's smile for their meaning of life, their shop. Shoes, books, coffee. The barber shop. What a way to pass your days.

As the final cars of the train passed behind me I crossed the street to the north and came upon the bus stop and the red-line bus that I would have waited the half an hour for over two miles ago. I climbed aboard although it could really only take me another few blocks closer to my apartment. I thanked the driver as I descend onto Duff Ave. to finish my walk home.

The alleyway was dark, and I dreaded a chance meeting with my neighbors whom I found to be intoxicated more often then not.

My apartment building is unremarkable. Several outside doors on a one level white brick building that looks as if it may have once been a small motel. The walls are thin. I share the two bedroom apartment with my sister and usually stay out of the living room as my bedroom is on the end of the building, and doesn't share walls with anyone.

As I crossed onto my block I saw the figure of a man kneeling in front of a door as if to inspect the lock. This was suspicious and made me worry for two reasons. First, it was getting dark and I shouldn't think there was any good reason for a person to be so interested in a lock at this hour. Secondly, because it was my door. I counted the doors over and over, trying to ensure it was not my own. I broke into sprint but when I came closer I was relieved to find out it was in fact not my door. I slowed again to a walk but proceeded with caution. I fished my pocket for my keys and strolled up to my door.

My neighbor was drunk.

"is there a problem?"

I offered, in spite of myself.

My neighbor, is a man who looks 60 and Mexican but is probably 40 and American. He works construction and doesn't have a car. His grey beard, grizzly voice, and propensity for drunkedness have precluded much conversation between us.

"like you would do better"

I thought he might be angry with me. The day before one of my friends had said he was a creepy old man unaware that he was standing right outside. But he was just indignant, and sloshed.

"I'm drunk and I can't get this door unlocked, scouts honor"

From his attempts to put the key in the door handle, which had no lock, it was obvious that he was drunk, but it was funny that he swore on scouts honor.

"Can I try that for you?"

Handing me the key, he again explained that he was quite drunk. After unlocking and pushing open the door, he thanked me, explained again that he was drunk, which was becoming ever the more obvious, and we said goodnight.

In the safety of my darkened apartment, I repented.

Maybe the women was just trying to be helpful. The kids are just trying to get by, who am I to question their sincerity. Marko is just an old drunk and maybe that's all he knows how to be.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

to love and to be loved in return

I've decided I am never going back to school.

Wednesday was move in day for the dorms, and in the past week, the sleepy city of Ames has become a buzzing metropolis again, doubling in size to accommodate those seekers of knowledge "brave enough", (read: willing to hopelessly endebt themselves) for another semester of names, numbers, facts, and figures. It's a noble cause I suppose, but it seems it's not for me.

I could drone on about how I've decided my previous field of study was merely a peripheral interest that went the way of my 17 y/o BMX ambitions. But in the end, my reason is now officially, "because I don't want to". And fuck anyone who says it's not a good reason. It's as good as another bull I could reason my way to.

I could cock up some story about how I've had a revelation, I love my life working parttime as a gas station attendant. people need gas, and I give it to them. they come to me, and I take their money. I get to meet nice people, and satiate their appetite for refined petroleum products. and I'll support my 2.5 kids working nights at the plant. and everything will be A+ ok.

sounds great, but it's not the truth. truth is, everybody dies

and

that is the only thing that makes life meaningful.

(I'll stop trying to sound profound now, my nicotine buzz is wearing off)

-peace

the past 30 odd days

I havn't blogged in awhile. I delayed in paying my cable bill long enough that they disconnected it. Simple economics, I couldn't afford it. So once I get some things straigtened out. I'll have content again, but maybe not for another month or two. Here's what happened in the meantime.

July 4th - didn't see, hear, light off any fireworks, and for me thats depressing. the previous three years have seen me and and an assortment of my best friends hanging out at my parents house, the night usually culminating in bottle rocket war on the dirt road in front of their property. good times, where have you gone.

July 5th - 15th - trying to remember if anything happened. dont think it did. unless thats when mike came by. yeah that's what happend. Mike stopped by for a night on his way back to Ohio. we drank, we tried to record a song we had written a week or three before when I was in omaha. It didnt work out very well, we aren't expierienced enough to drink and play music and not sound drunk. oh well, I'm sure we'll get the hang of it. (somewhere in here I went to omaha with apu to show him around and get him to his interview)

July 16th - free concert in memorial park, omaha. 311, GTO, and nick hexum. It was kinda fun. easily the most people I've ever seen in one place at one time. I think the news reports said it was somewhere around 30,000 people. I could sing allong ot all the 311 songs as I grew up listening to their albums, but it would have been a helluva a lot more fun like 7 years ago. I guess Im just over 311. Joe, Joe, Mario, Aaron, Chris, and Maria were all there, as well as a couple dozenother random people I recognized, including Dustin Stednitz, funny seeing him there. I used to babysit his little sister, I talked to her online the other day, shes like 14 now. I feel old.

July 17th - fireworks display in freedom park, Omaha. this (and the concert) was part of omaha's 150th birthday party. me and aaron drove downtown but had to park like 2 miles away and walk. (although a nice cigar for the walk made the eavning much more enjoyable) ahhh cigars...
so we got to the riverfront just as the fireworks were starting. it was amazing and more than made up for missing fireworks on the 4th. it was maybe a little short, but the shear volume was amazing, (biggest display in Omaha history, and thats saying something because the gucci brothers display at the royals stadium is a yearly event and is very good). on our way back to aarons car this woman came up to us and tried to get some money from us with a sob story which sounded like BS. where do you have to be in life to be willing to try and bs some kids on the street into giving you some loose change. I run into that shit everytime I'm down there, but it never ceases to amaze me. maybe I should be more compassionate, sigh.

The rest of July - fairly uneventful. I've been listening to all songs considered (npr's online music show) allot at work, but maybe I already mentioned that, anyways, its chock full of great music. I've been blown away by Elliot Smith, I never really got into his catalog, but now that I've heard it all, Im stunned that he is not extremely well known. Hes like every generation of the beatles mixed together, depressed, with heartfelt lyrics. Every song is like it's own universe, they're so intimate, you think you know him through these albums. M.Ward is reminding me that songs can lyrically simple while still being devistatingly poignent and emotional. bright eyes is keeping me young (I finally heard letting off the happiness (the first bright eyes album)). the rolling stones are rocking me out. I got let it bleed, which is a good album. (although I'll admit that I was spurred on by damn C2 commercial whcich features you cant always get what you want which is the grand finale of let it bleed. Im so well trained. I REALLY wanted to buy C2 after seeing that commercial. (at a movie theater before spiderman 2 which was ok.) the rolling stones are so hard to get into, they released so much stuff and repackaged so often that youd have to settle for a collection of songs rather than buy the innummerable albums, singles, eps, best ofs.

July 29th - 30th - Moved apu. oh yeah, sometime back in July I went with Apu and he had an interveiw with this big company in Omaha to be a cold fusion developer, that was like his 1352th interview, but he finally got the job and then me and Apu went for a day and looked at a bunch of appts in omaha. then on the 29th we moved his stuff, he drove his car, packed to the gills, and I drove a pickup he rented with the big stuff. (bed, dresser, etc.) and moved it into his new place. (which is really, really nice) (apu didnt want to live around white trash, lol). So after moving his stuff in, and going out to eat with Joe and Brian (who helped unload the stuff), and dropping off Apu, we went driving around in the rental truck, a brand new 4door 4x4 pickup, it was fun, we did over 100mph, we did cookies, went offroading. by about 1am I had dropped joe off (becase he had to work the next day) me and brian continued driving around, we went around the lake, and back behind the creek, drove up on the dyke and walked out on the footbridge. 2am, fullmoon, deer runnign too and fro, I hadnt slept 4 hrs in the previous 24. so we headed back to brians and I crashed on the couch to deliverance playing on the tv. Sometime around 3am the part came on where he's squeeling like a pig, and that woke me up, I checked my bank account and my paycheck still wasnt deposited, so I couldnt afford to drive back and return the truck before it was due. woke up at 4am, still no money. woke up at 5am, have money. put on my shoes walk outside, start up the truck, the last time I saw the mustang alive (more later). fill up the tank (all $40 worth) drive the 3 hrs back to ames in fog so thick, I cant see 4 seconds in front of me, it was surreal. the drive was unique, no landmarks, no exits, just road for 150ft in front of me. needle at 70mph trusting that the road would always be there, the sun would visit occaisionally, and then be obscured by another ground-bound cloud, if my life is vanilla sky, that morning was when the bizarroverse started, and Im now on crio-stasis in some warehouse. TECH SUPPORT!
arrive ames, gas, wash/return truck, home, sleep for 16 hrs..

Aug 4 - phonecall, answer, greeting, reply: "the mustangs dead" Joe called to inform me that Brian had been in a pretty serious car accident. Brian was and is fine, walked away with a couple of bruises but none worse for wear. the driver side door is bowed out from his impact as the car repeatedly hit the gardrail. he lost control accelerating to get onto the interstate when he hit some water. (on a straight road) the back end came out to the passanger side, wheel hit the curb, the impact and regain of traction sent him speed across both lanes, hit guard rail, spin several times, hit other gard rail. somwhere on this trip the rear axel snaps letting the driver side rear wheel go rolling a couple hundred yards past brian in the mustang. the mustang is dead. thank God the driver side window was rolled down (else brian would at the very least had a helluva headahce) and brian had his seat belt on (otherwise he probebly have eaten gardrail), this could be a much sadder post.

Aug 5th - 6th I couldnt work because a snafu at work meant there was no work to do.. (the office manager has since been fired and I got a promotion, woot (not to office manager though) ) so I was reading, I read Life of Pi by Yann Martell which T from work leant to me. Good book, highly recommended. and it deals with allot of existential/spiritual questions Ive been asking lately. ***spoliers dont the rest of this mini-post if you want to read the book. Okay, so if Pi is the tiger and the tiger kills the cook, am I to understand that to survive, he takes on the personality of this tiger, kills a man, (who granted, killed his mother) and then just lets that part of himself go when he reaches land? that analogy totally fits with me, I need to get a tiger and decide what I want, and go after it full force, but at the same time doesn't that mean I have to give up my relgious ideals in order to do that? I'm also reading St.Augustine's confessions which is just amazing. Im reading the first hand account of a saint going through the same struggles that I have spritually and personally. That is somehow equal parts depressing and encouraging. the man lived 1600 years ago, talks about depression, substance abuse, gambling, womenizing and other saintly stuff. absolutly eye opening. times change, human nature does not. thats depressing. theres always redemption through Jesus, no matter who you are, or where you are in your life. thats encouraging. now what. anyways that books gonna take awhile, its long, and its dense.


Aug 8th - current, not too much happeneing. Brian an Joe came here this past weekend with a truckload of Brians sisters belongings, as she was switching appts here in ames, after we moved a few truckloads of stuff around, we went out to hickory park. good times, I like good food. There were a bunch of order of the aarow boyscouts in town (maybe that was the previous weekend, dontknow) so it was kind of weird to see them all about town, there must have been thousands of them. (I thought they were like "elite" boyscouts, but Dan tells me not so). I got rid of my bed from my room and have a futon, I think its coumfy as hell, and I will now officially never leave my room... where I am right now. (I was listening to this series on NPR about artists and the spaces in which they create. check it out in the arts section online, its very intersting)

okay, fully up to speed? good, get in line, the other children are asking for more too.

Ill try not to let this lapse again as I think some of my stories lack, the significance determining ability of fresh retrospective, and myriads of details. As Dan was mentioning, this is also a good way to remember things.

Im just thinking of all the thigns I didnt write about....

peace