the contents of courage

I've really been stressing at work lately, the software I'm supporting (for a company that will go unnamed for soon to be obvious reasons) keeps track of financial information for which organizations have to produce receipts by Monday, Jan 31st. So needless to say, lot's of customers wait till the last minute and the freak out when they can't figure out how to or have a problem generating and printing their receipts. Our hold times averaged 30mins this week and peaked out at about 1:15, and oh yeah, it doesn't help that the software is crap, ahem, horribly written, and doesn't work. We (tech support) basically get payed good money to take it for the team while we try desperately to work around the gaping holes in the software's advertised capability.

I've been listening to Bright Eyes' new albums since they came out on Tuesday and as this weekend came, and my stress level dropped, it was interesting to note how my perception of the albums changed right along with my mood, or rather, that the albums changed to fit my seemingly opposite moods; bitter despair, and gleeful joy. And then I noticed a pattern, a pattern of balances, between loving life and fearing death, hope and despair, depression and mania, and I considered Chesterton's philosophy of courage.

Chesterton speaks of the frenetic balance of orthodoxy, like spinning plates. He talks about the drama of sanity, how madness is quite easy and that only human "common sense" makes reality tenable. He talks about the seemingly nuancical but crucial difference between the suicide and the martyr, and it comes down to a question of courage or cowardice. I hear something of that balance expressed in Oberst's lyrics.

I'd go into it more, but I've already spent way too much time on my bright eyes obsession on this blog, talk to me about it some time. (or rather I had some brilliant thought written on a bank statement and I threw it out in the trash that was overflowing out of my car, I don't remember what it was.)

"All my thoughts come in pairs. I will I won't I doubt I don't... I'll fight like hell, to hide that I've given up"- Another Travelin' Song

I guess I'll finish what got me started. Early in the work week, I was not getting enough sleep and was stressing out at work, and not getting anything I wanted to get done done, not to mention all the stuff I needed to get done, and it was starting to remind me of two years ago and I listened to these records on the way to work in the morning and had one of those moments where I was sitting in my car in the parking lot at work contemplating the consequences of just driving away and never coming back, but then forced myself to turn the car off and go inside, and I just feel a little less alive when I have to do that, but it seems like that's the "right" thing to do, so I do it. But then came friday and the promise of less phonecalls and less stress, and I got through the day, and got into the car and drove away listening to the same songs feeling totally invigorated knowing I was able to not just fulfill the commitment of the 40 hours but knowing I actually put allot of effort into my week, and so then I noticed all the hope in these records and how the balance between despair and hope contained on the whole of the works is human and real and decided that I think trying to maintain that balance is courageous.

Now, I should temper my obsession here, because the music was kind of coincidental to the struggle of getting through this past week, and really the only reason I was able to do it, wow and when I say it, "it" is a huge thing for me. Like I'm getting a mulligan for 2003, and only just learning the lessons I should have learned then. One thing Fr.O mentioned in passing last weekend was something his spiritual director once told him, an amusing little point about how God created lillies to be lillies and roses to be roses and you to be you, and He's always with you no matter how tired or discontent you grow with life, and of course that's something I know but it's so refreshing to get a little reinforcement now and then. So what got me through the week was basically, I was comforted by the fact that God made me to: be good at this job I find very taxing, find it conveinent to live with my grandparents, discuss my family and life and philosophy and cooking in the eavnings over coffee with my grandma, find and develop my prayer life now and go to daily Mass with my grandpa, to be piqued by beuty and truth, and come to know Him through all those things every day.

Conclusion

After various discussions about the ideas from my previous post, I decided to take it to the man who'd be reading and evaluating my application and get his thoughts. I think I started in a good direction, but took it to caustic highs, (or lows as the case may be), as I tend to do. Fr.O set me straight.

In conclusion, although I was not completely invested in my Assoc. degree, the learning and growing up that I did during my time there and at ISU was too important to be called a total failure. There was some significance in having successfully completed an Assoc. degree and transferred to ISU because in the process I've learned allot about life including that I don't want to be an engineer, but the failure came in how I handled that information; rather than get out of the situation, I floated on untill I got knocked out by the academic system.

I'll still talk about guitar, but I think playing guitar is just a part of the growing up I did. It's a part of me that I found and an analogy for my life. I suck at it, but I really enjoy it.

Significance

What makes something a significant success or failure. The scale? The public profile? The resume building bs that you can spin around it?

I have to write an autobiography for my application, and I have to supply examples of a significant success and a significant failure.

Now, if I was applying for a job or a normal school, there are a couple angles I could play up. I could play up the Assoc. degree I have, and the fact that I was working to support myself while earning that degree, and how bitterly arduous that was, but if I was honest, I would admit that that degree means nothing to me, and that I didn't invest personally in it at all, I just showed up enough and they put my name on some fancy paper. I could play up the angle where I've been an outstanding employee on paper. I've been gainfully employed (minus gaps for moving) since I was fifteen. But again, it's totally disengenous to say that I acctually take pride in anything I've done as an employee. Sure I work hard, but that doesn't mean I enjoy what I do or would say my employment record reflects anything about me, other than I'm arrogant and want to say I'm better than my older brother for not having moved back with my parents after moving out.

I'd say the single thing I've subjectively "done" in my adult life that I have to be proud of, or can call a success, if even a very small one, is that I learned to play guitar. But playing guitar is like praying or reading. You get all excited about gaining some small ability, and you play with that untill it's boring, but that play between inabiltiy and abiltiy gnaws at you untill you pick up a little bit more, and then you begin to understand a little bit more of the fretboard, and you keep reading even though the words don't quite make sense. And then your fingers start playing, and something clicks and you read the passage again and it connects, and you play a song over and over working over every harmony and rythem your fingers can imagine, and you talk to God like your mother and father and brother and sister. It's like you get to be part of something bigger than yourself. History, beauty, liturgy.

Now, failing out of school would probebly constitute a "significant" failure, but that to, is just like, I was there going to school for no reason, of course I'm going to fail out, I'd think to say it was significant, one would actaully have to have been trying and failed. To not try, and to fail is just a matter of fact.

So, I still don't know how I'm gonna answer that one, I think if I was honest, I would say I've never succeded or failed, except for in some spiritual sense, and I can't really describe that for anyone.

Everytime You Close Your Eyes - Lies! Lies!

The most exciting and strange expierience of my life never really happened last night. I dreamt I was about to die, and I was damn sure of it. I was driving along a mountain pass in a blue semi, and my friend was riding with me. All the sudden, we missed a corner, broke through a guardrail and began to plummet. What ensued was the greatest amount and most acute forms of both exitement and fear, exploding as the truck did through the guardrail. A combination of both chaos and peace, that just utterly gripped me. As we dropped down and down into the ravine, the resignation set in, that death was emminent, that it was unavoidable, that it was now. I screamed out my lamentations, my death bed apologies, my heart skipped as I considered my fate. And then I thought, "what if this is a dream?". (I often think in my dreams). I decided that I must treat it as if it's not a dream, and do whatever final things I could to make my peace with God, and then I thought about my passenger and what I could tell him. What followed, while still amidst a seemingly endless fall, was an attempt to tell someone about God. It seems so cliche to me to ask someone if they know Jesus. In fact, I'd go so far as to say, I'm annoyed at people talking about Jesus, because most of it seems so comepletly disengenous as to be insulting. Take most of this blog for example. But that's what I did, I told my friend about God and forgiveness and salvation, and then, it was over and I woke up.

I can imagine such wild parallels, like, soldiers about to jump out of a plane into enemy territory, I wonder how many times my friend in afghanistan has had this exact experience, being on the edge of life, couragous, disreguarding his safety in order to save his life.

I asked Fr.O if there was ever a moment when he was sure he had a vocation, he said it happened when he saw a red sunrise through a basement window on a December morning while he hold a cup of coffee like he imagined God held him.

I don't know why I mention that, but I think just because there's those times when you know some bit of truth, like reality is more real, I long for those times.

There is nothing as Easy/Lucky/Free

How 'bout let's make some progress this year. For some reason, all the externals in my life are working great right now, gotta strike that iron while hot.

All Songs Considered is currently featuring Bright Eyes and M.Ward.

Easy/Lucky/Free - Bright Eyes

Is Oberst talking about salvation? I may be over-piousizing everything lately like Mike tells me I am, but hell. He talks about being too scared to dream of God despite wanting salvation on we are nowhere, and it's now and then on this song says, all he can dream about is Heaven, and then after uelogizing life and our culture, says:

But don't you weep
There is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free
Or free, or free, or free!
There's nothing, there's nothing, there's nothing...

Everything's kinda fallen into place, I got a kick ass job, I got a kick ass place to live (with my grandparents), and grandma's going to teach me how to cook.

Tires came out of the "pay ISU and get my transcript so I can apply" fund, so that's getting delayed (again!). That's bupkiss! But I needed the tires to run the car to get to the job to pay the bills to put in the application, etc. etc. it's a vicious cycle.

I think the fact that my affinity for Omaha only grows when I learn of it's seedy past is proof of a love that can only grow for something you'll always call home. I can't explain it to APR or MBK and the way they talk, they'll both be out of here permanently by this time next year.

Pictures of my thoughts will soon be posted here!

Nebraska - The Good Life

Got a new camera, time for new pictures.

"Living the good life, I left for dead, the sorrowful midwest, well I did my best, to keep my head."-Gold Mine Gutted

Thursday, I decided it might be a good idea to get into town so I don't have to drive in the morning, stayed at MBK's and went to two job interviews on Friday. Both went really well, got an offer at the second and accepted it, start tomorrow (!), I have a feeling I'm going to hate my job, cause it's similar to one I had in the past, but my experience is also why I got the job, and why it pays so well, so, we'll see how it goes. I'm just glad to be employed and homefull again. "I got a haircut, it's so manageable, I can't believe it." -MBK

Friday night, got to hang out with my buddy Christmas, shenanigans abound. Went driving around (we got 14 inches of snow on Weds) and doing cookies in unplowed parking lots, (Chris is a young'n he doesn't have that out of his system yet), it was hilarious, at one point he hit a big snow pile with the back fender and put a nice siezed dent in it, but he just climbed into the trunk and kicked it back out, The Grand Marquis lives on.

All weekend I've been listening to the new Bright Eyes, and the new Arcade Fire. Astounding goodness. Watched Wilco and Bright Eyes on Austin City Limits, two absolutely amazing performances from two bands that make an interesting contrast. (wilco being more performance and music ability-centric, and Bright Eyes being more writing and emotion) Bright Eyes played as just Oberst, Jim James from My Morning Jacket, Matt Ward singer songwriter, and Mike Mogis, producer extroidinare. They switched around, played a couple of each others' songs, and all gave stellar performances. I was commenting to MBK that it's awesome that these four guys, three of which write and play amazing songs and the fourth of which produces them happened to get together and be friends and make music together. Coolest musical moments I may have ever seen. All their albums belong on the list of music that was simply meant to be.

"If you hate the taste of wine, how come you drink it 'till you're blind, and if you swear there's no truth and who cares, how come you say it like you're right. Why are you scared to dream of God, when it's salvation that you want? You see... stars that clear have been dead for years, but the idea still lives on." - We Are Nowhere and It's Now

I have super cool friends, right now I'm at APR's for the night and I spent most of this and last weekend at MBK's. The K's are super generous to me, it's rediculous.

Speaking of APR, his 21st was this weekend, and I didn't really get to hang out with him on sat so I took him out to eat today, little post 21 sober-up brunch, it was pretty good times. "I am going to eat cinnamon roles until I explode."- APR

The occasion for more Cathedral pics was that I went and met with the associate pastor Fr. Mark Beran, and a couple other "hopefuls" to talk about discernment and Fr.'s vocation story, it gives us all a chance to fraternize and ask questions. After adoration and vespers, he gave us a quick tour of the Cathedral. All the history in that building is pretty astounding. Beauty is a bright flag on a big stick in a high wind, waving, calling, announcing. I hear it in music, and see it in churches, and to me, it all points back to God. I don't know whether to find that disconcerting or awesome. I'm leaning towards awesome.

Speaking of beautiful churches, me and MBK went to Mass over at St.Bridgette's this morning, the style of the facade is unlike any I've seen, I would have thought it was an old city or school building but the inside is gothic and breathtaking. At Mass they actually used their choir loft, I think it's been ten years since I've seen one used, I was happily surprised.

Peace

A Lesson About Addiction

Good week:
I got all my deposit back from my old landlord, that rocks, plus I got payed so now I can afford to pay off my school debt and submit my transcript and application to the Archdiocese. I had some success looking for jobs, and in the process of talking to one of my old bosses, I ran into an old friend who was looking for someone to rent a room from him, so there's high potential for gainful employment and living arrangements by next week. W00t.

Man, I slept allot this week, which made for crazy dreams per usual, the most bizarre of which was a dream where I was, or once had been addicted to heroin, and when I wanted to go back on it, (I was holding a syringe full, debating whether or not to inject it), but before I had the chance to actually inject it, I felt myself (in the dream) slipping into sleep, feeling heavy and dazed, (not unlike when I was once generally anesthetized with a "mild narcotic" for minor surgery), and I took it to be God killing me for having made the choice to defy what I knew was right, and Him, and inject myself, and when I finally fell to sleep in the dream, I woke up. Creepy, but, it really re-taught me an important lesson about addiction. Now, my experience with heroin is limited to Sherlock Holmes, but I haven't read any Conan Doyle since I was maybe 10, so the spark that set this topic in my head was addiction itself.

Addiction is strange, in that, despite your total understanding that the behavior is not in ones best interest, emotionally, physically, and most importantly, spiritually, one will persist in that behavior, to the point where the activity that's drawing one in itself becomes painful, while remaining... tempting. I suppose that's proof of diabolic activity in temptation. That beyond all logic, one's mind turns to thoughts that tempt. That when one has made up his mind to stop the behavior, he simply cannot, that is, cannot without help. Mary was my lifeline, Christ is my sustenance.

Preaching over, then came new years eve! But that deserves it's own post.